(What Might That Be Protecting?)
Many counsellors say it – sometimes confidently, sometimes cautiously:
“I don’t really do inner child work.”
It’s often followed by a rationale:
- It feels a bit fluffy
- It’s not my modality
- I prefer to stay present-focused
- I worry about creating dependency
These concerns are understandable. Inner child work has, at times, been poorly taught, loosely defined, or practiced without enough containment.
And yet, from an attachment-informed perspective, it’s worth pausing here.
Because when we say “I don’t do inner child work”, it may be helpful to ask – gently, without judgement:
What might that stance be protecting?
Inner child work is already happening
Whether we name it or not, inner child dynamics are present in almost every therapeutic relationship.
They show up when:
- Clients fear disappointing us
- They seek reassurance we haven’t explicitly offered
- They feel shame for “not doing therapy properly”
- They become suddenly quiet, compliant, or overwhelmed
We may not call this inner child work – but developmentally, that’s exactly what it is.
Saying we don’t do inner child work doesn’t stop it from happening.
It simply means we may not be engaging with it consciously.
And unconscious work, however well-intentioned, carries risks.
When avoidance masquerades as professionalism
For some therapists, reluctance around inner child work is rooted in genuine ethical concern. That matters.
But for others, the discomfort may sit closer to home.
Inner child work brings us into contact with:
- Dependency
- Vulnerability
- Longing
- Need
- Fear of abandonment
These themes don’t belong only to clients.
They stir the therapist’s own attachment system – our comfort with closeness, our tolerance of need, our fears of being overwhelmed or “pulled into rescue”.
Avoiding inner child work can sometimes be less about clinical rigour, and more about emotional self-protection.
That doesn’t make it wrong.
It makes it human.
The fear of doing harm
One of the most common anxieties therapists voice is the fear of “opening something they can’t close”.
This fear is not unfounded.
Inner child work done too quickly, without regulation or relational safety, can feel exposing or destabilising for clients.
But the answer to this isn’t avoidance.
It’s training.
Attachment-informed inner child work is not about excavating the past. It’s about working with what emerges naturally – and knowing how to pace, contain, and respond ethically when it does.
Avoidance doesn’t protect clients from harm.
Skill does.
Boundaries and inner child work are not opposites
Another concern therapists often voice is that inner child work blurs boundaries or encourages dependency.
In fact, the opposite is often true.
When inner child needs are ignored or misunderstood, clients may seek regulation in unspoken, indirect ways – through reassurance-seeking, testing boundaries, or emotional flooding.
When inner child material is recognised and held with clarity, clients often feel less compelled to act it out.
Boundaries become clearer, not looser.
Dependency is acknowledged rather than enacted.
This requires confidence, structure, and a strong internal framework – not intuition alone.
What the stance “I don’t do inner child work” communicates
Even when unspoken, our therapeutic stance is felt.
If a client senses that certain emotions, needs, or vulnerabilities are unwelcome or unsafe in the room, they adapt – just as they learned to do early on.
They may:
- Stay intellectual
- Minimise distress
- Apologise for needing
- Keep the “young” parts of themselves hidden
The therapy may remain thoughtful, but something essential remains untouched.
Not because the client isn’t ready – but because the relationship hasn’t yet made space.
When therapists allow themselves to learn
Many therapists who initially resisted inner child work later describe a shift.
Not because they abandoned boundaries or became less professional – but because they gained language, structure, and confidence.
They stopped feeling pulled into rescue.
They became clearer about what belonged to them and what didn’t.
They trusted the work more – and themselves.
Training that integrates attachment theory, nervous system regulation, and developmental understanding doesn’t ask therapists to become something different.
It helps them work with what is already happening – consciously, ethically, and with far less anxiety.
A reflection to hold gently
You might reflect on this in your own practice:
- What happens inside you when clients become younger, needier, or more vulnerable?
- Where did you learn what was “acceptable” need?
- What feels risky about working developmentally – and what support would make it feel safer?
None of these questions implies deficiency.
They speak to the reality that therapy is relational work – and relational work touches us too.
In the next blog, we’ll explore what happens when inner child material hijacks the session – and how to work with those moments without panic, over-intervention, or withdrawal.
For now, you might simply sit with this:
If inner child work is already happening beneath the surface, what changes when we allow ourselves to meet it openly, skilfully, and with support?
Often, that’s where both therapist and client begin to breathe a little more easily.
